Mom's are always being told to get out, make some time for you, it makes you a better mom. Couples are told how important it is in maintaining a healthy relationship that they get out and do things together without their children. Articles are written on it, television shows are aired about it, books are published about it. And yet, when single mom's do this for some reason judgement seems to be passed on them. I pose the question- why?
I was recently told by someone that someone they knew had an issue with leaving the house to go out when they had their children. Now mind you this is a person who has one child during the week and their own children every other weekend, which may possibly make it easier to get out when the children are NOT around. But I will admit it got me to thinking about the subject.
I am in no way bashing the person who said this, everyoen is entitled to their own opinion. I am however presenting the other side of the coin and opening up the topic for debate.
I had a discussion over coffee and breakfast with a friend who is also a single mom. We talked about how hard it is to juggle being a mom, and also being a woman with needs. Our discussion drifted to how often we feel judged or looked down upon because we DO make time for ourselves. How more often than not it is people who are not in our situations. Who can't begin to understand how difficult single motherhood is. And we both came to terms with the fact that people will make their own assumptions, believe what they want, think what they want. But as long as we know that we are amazing mothers and we are doing everything we can for our children it is important for us to meet our own needs as well. We NEED to have friends we can talk with, laugh with, cry with. We NEED to get out now and then and for just a few hours focus on us- even though always our children are in our thoughts , it seems we neevr stop worrying. We NEED to make sure we find things that we can enjoy. Because we are mothers first and foremost but we are also women. And whether it be a sport, or another type of hobby, going out with friends to unwind, it's important for us to have "me" time.
As a single mother of 6 I have many responsibilities. I have to make sure my children have appropriate clothing for every season, a roof over their head, the bills are paid to keep things running, that they have lunch money for school, that they get a healthy breakfast and dinner, they get fun time, that their homework is done and completed the right way, that they are learning appropriate social skills, that they get time with Mom, that they are safe, that they get up and attend school. I get puked on, yelled at, my shoulders are plenty wet from being cried on.
I wipe snotty noses and clean up accidents when they don't make it to the bathroom. I stay up all night cuddling and rocking sick kids. I get spit up on, pooped on, peed on. I sit on cold bleachers or in the cold cheering my children on rather than sitting in my car just so I can say "Yes, I saw. That was awesome."- when I get asked if I saw a hit or a kick. I teach my children to tie their shoes, do their hair, how to multiply 23 times 54 when they just can't seem to get it. They help me bake and cook sometimes, and guess who gets to clean up that mess? I worry when I watch them taking a new step to try something new.
I wake up in the middle of the night when I hear a noise, and sometimes don't get to go to sleep when I want because a child is restless and can't sleep. I bake cookies for school functions, make sure the kids have memorable birthdays, scrape up money to buy the kids books from the book fair. I change a million diapers a day, and rock a crying baby when her tummy is upset. I wash at least ten loads of laundry a week, scrub toilets to keep them clean. Make sure the kids have bathed and washed every important part. I get argued with, yelled at, told I hate you and then later I love you. I sit in doctors offices for hours just to get a prescription for cough medicine or be told that it's just a cold. I kiss boo boos and apply bandaids. I give hugs and kisses - sometimes just because- and sometimes to mend a broken heart.
I am a listener, a teacher, a nurse, a cook, a seamstress, the provider, a referee, an example, an electrician, a plumber, a maid, a dishwasher, a comforter, a gardener, a disciplinarian, the list could go on.
Being a mom is an amazing gift and I thank God for the gifts he has given me. But I also know as a mom it's important to take time for me. Being a mom is a HUGE responsibility and it can seriously wear a person down. I am all the things above, but I am also a woman, a person who must see that my own emotional, physical , spiritual and mental needs are met so that I can be the best Mom I can be.
As a single mom, sometimes it's difficult to make that time for me. I don't like missing out on time with my kids when they are up and running around. I don't leave my kids sitting in my living room wondering where I am going or what I am doing. When they are awake, I am with them, doing all the things that I feel are important as a mother, wearing all the hats that a mother wears, loving them, teaching them, watching them play and interact. Sure they go to school, but then there is the baby to love and take care of. My kids are with me most of the days out of the month. Four of them spend time with their dad every other weekend and a day or two during the week, the other two are with me pretty much 24/7, although one is a teenager now and dating and all that comes with being 16. Because of this I've found that the time I have for me is when they are sleeping.
Rarely ever do I get out during the week when they are home, asleep or not. Even if I make plans to, more often than not, something comes up and I have to cancel. During those evenings I relax by watching tv, or spending time with that someone special in my life. I might get on the computer, read a book, or play a video game. But ussually I'm also putting laundry in, doing dishes, checking the calendar and readying things for the next day. So when the weekend comes, especially the weekend when they are with their Dad- at least four of them- I try to go out, unwind, let my hair down, and remember that I too have needs.
Personally I see nothing wrong with mother's going out and enjoying themselves. As long as their children are safe and under the supervision of someone who is responsible and trustworthy. I'm a divorced mom with the responsibility of my children. I don't have the luxury of asking my husband to watch them. I am blessed with a 16 year old who often will tell me, "Mom go do something, get out, have fun. I know you need it." Or "hey mom, I need some extra money, wanna go do something so I can earn some money?" But as she enters more into the world of highschool and dating there are times where she just doesn't want to be a babysitter, even if the children are sleeping, and I don't force her to do that. And many mom's do not have that same luxury. I see nothing wrong with hiring someone to watch my children while they sleep so I can take care of me, make sure I am happy and healthy and enjoying life outside of the realm of motherhood. That makes me a better mom.
I have lots of friends who are single mothers, struggling to find that happy medium between, motherhood, careers, and taking care of themselves. I watch them providing for their children, giving to their children, and I am glad when I see them doing something for themselves. Smiling, enjoying the few hours they might have found to do something they enjoy. To socialize, hang out with adults for a bit, be a person who is not only a mom but is so much more.
It's not easy taking care of children. Loving them, being there for them. Single or married it is a job that requires a lot of us. But for the single mother it can be even harder. So in my opinion I say grab onto those moments when you can find time for you. Take care of yourself so that you can be a better Mom. Enjoy friends, and people. Unwind. Relax, let your hair down.
And for those who don't understand or can't see the need. For those who judge. I say walk a mile in my shoes or any other shoes of a full time mom, especially a single mom who carries the weight of the world - for not only herself but her children- on her shoulders and then say that I'm wrong for finding ME time.
