Being a mom of 6 kids isn't easy. I'll be the first to admit most days I feel like a complete failure. They want, they need, they fight, they cry, they throw fits, they argue, they lie. But they also laugh, and giggle. Coo, and smile. Ask important questions that make me feel like I'm actually being helpful. They tell me they love me and when worse comes to worse they try their hardest to be as good as children can be.
This past week has been a time of reflection. And the biggest issue that seemed to keep rearing its head was my stress. My stress levels had pretty much maxxed out. There was nowhere to go from where I was at except up. Being a mom is so much work for even mom's who are married and have someone who feels the biological responsibility to be there for his children. But being single? Well let's just say it's a whole other ballgame.
I feel like I've always done an adequate job with the kids, but the past year seemed to just get more and more out of control. My struggles with personal issues as well as their struggles seemed to combine into a time bomb waiting to go off. I've been trying to figure it out for the better part of that year, even as things continued to change. First there was getting pregnant and being incredibly tired and ill. I always felt like I was neglecting them, not physically but emotionally. I was so worn out. Then there was having the baby and trying to adjust to having an infant in our lives. All the joy she brings is amazing and I know she is a true blessing to all of us from God. But babies are time consuming, and again I felt like I was not able to give them all the attention they needed. Then there was adjusting to not having their father taking them for visits. Not that it was ever perfect in any way, but getting that every other weekend to regroup was helpful in gathering all the patients that it takes to manage a household of 7. I never realized how hard it would be. And it is HARD.
Then things got even crazier when I started school. Oy Vey!! Trying to study, take care of the baby, deal with them, it was a little overwhelming. True, I had help here. Help that I often turned down out of fear. I mean if they're overwhelming me how can they not overwhelm someone else, right? So I tried even harder to do even more so that everyone would be happy, and somehow I still felt like a failure. And that in and of itself made me miserable. I tried so hard to be everything to everyone. Tried to maintain some semblance of organization, keep the house tidy, get the kids fed, and clothed. Back and forth to games, find things for them to do that would keep them occupied while I studied, or took care of the baby, cooked dinner, or just took a much needed break for myself, did laundry, cleaned … well you get the point. And all the while I felt inadequate and like everything was spinning completely out of control. There wasn't enough time in the day or enough energy in my body.
The past week I began a journey to re-discovering myself. In that journey I've analyzed my relationship with my kids. I love them. They love me. I take care of them and provide for them, but the laughter and the smiles weren't as present as they should have been. Don't get me wrong. There was laughing and fun, but not as much as there could have been. I won't take all the blame here. My kids seem to thrive on craziness. I mean with 4 that are within 2 1/2 years of each other there's going to be craziness. A lot of feeling like there wasn't enough fun was because it seemed they were always getting into some sort of trouble. Bickering, fighting, tattle telling (oh good gravy the tattle telling!) But in reflecting I learned that sometimes situations could've been handled better, and perhaps that might have relieved some of the stress.
I get so caught up in the day to day TASKS of being a mom that I sometimes forget to ENJOY them. They won't be little forever. And one day they will be too old to want hugs and kisses from me. They won't want to sing along with me, or play games. They'll be doing homework, talking to boys/girls on the phone. Hanging out with their friends etc. I am their world right now, and they are blessings in mine, even on the days that aren't so calm. They were given to me by God. And they touch my life in a way that I never thought possible. They are a HUGE responsibility, and sometimes it seems like I've taken on too much, but they were meant to be mine, and I was meant to be theirs.
This past week has been a time for reinventing our patterns. For discovering what works and what doesn't. For lightening up regarding the smaller things but letting them know when I mean business, I mean business. And it hasn't been bad. One of my kids who seemed to be getting into a lot of trouble lately has been asking me, "Was I good for you today? Did I respect you?" "Yes," I say. "You were respectful today, and that shows me love. Thank you."
We've laughed and cried -talked about things that they enjoy. We've sung at the top of our lungs in the car while I was driving. I've chased them through the house and even played zombies with them. (now that would have made an interesting home video) We made a tent on their bunk beds and sat while I read them a story. I even made them up a story using their names for the fictional characters. We made cookies, and they helped with dinner. Some of these things had been absent for a while. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was so worn out from getting onto them about their behaviors and worn out from trying to be superwoman that I was too mentally exhausted. And it just seemed to compound with each new stressor. I had been trying to deal with the stresses, but failing miserably, even with offered help.
Introduced them to new things, new ideas. Opened their eyes to a whole new kind of personality. And they miss that. So even though I share in their sadness I had to buck up and put on my happy face. And in the end it was doing that that made me see what I've been missing.
Sure I've had to let go of a few things: the house isn't always spotless. Everything isn't always perfect. It's a little loud at times but now it's not always loud because of fighting or bickering. My schedule had to be rearranged and I can't always study when I want to, but it's been worth it. I've had to stop trying to be so perfect or so independent and learn that when people say they want to help they really do want to help. And the hardest part of learning that is letting go, giving up my pride and asking for help or accepting it when offered. I've also had to accept that taking time for me is OK too. I need it. Sometimes I would feel guilty about doing things that make me happy. Getting caught up rather, in all the things I HAD to do or that HAD to get done. Taking time for me helps alleviate the stresses which make me a much easier person to get along with.
Sure there are still tears and children that get upset when they get in trouble for not following the rules or not being respectful, but let's face it, who likes to get in trouble? There are still things that can cause stress, but chilling out and not letting so many things get to ME has helped not only me get centered but has helped them as well. Stress is like a hurricane. It rips through and pays no attention to what's in its pathway. So letting go of some of the expectations I had that are too high has helped with some of those stresses which in turn have alleviated the hurricane damage.
Sure it's still tough trying to parent. I don't think it will ever get easier. Ha. They'll be getting older and while some of the tattle telling and fighting over toys might diminish there will be new older things to deal with. It will never be a piece of cake and there will still be days I feel like I'm failing, but I've come to accept that is part of being a parent. And I know that if I'm not already stressing about ten other things than I am much more capable to deal with their issues at hand.
As a mom I want them to grow into amazing people. I want to see them achieve all that they can. And I emulate who they should be. I am their model. I want them to see a mom who tried her best to be everything they needed. Who supplied their material needs, and their emotional needs. Who worked hard to go to school to see her own dreams fulfilled. Who did things that make her happy that would in turn make them happy. What's that saying "If momma aint happy aint nobody happy."? I want them to know it's important to take care of yourself, and do things that make you feel good about yourself. That things may happen beyond our control, things may not always be completely sane, things may alter our lives, our hearts, or our thoughts but it's how we handle those things that make us who we are.
I'm thankful for my blessings and the gifts they bring to my life everyday and the chance to show them what love and happiness are.
I can hear the children laughing in the other room.
My two girls and my two boys.
They are happy voices andI struggle not to think about the mess they're making.
How technical thishomemaking can be, if I let it.
Cleaning, straigtening, laundry, cooking.Everything must be just so.
But the babies, my sweet babies.Their big eyes, Soft, chubby hands and sweet sloppy kisses.
If I must struggle to remember something,let it be what is right.
Angels and Devils and Gremlins Oh My
I have seen angels,and devils and gremlins too.I see them practically everydaythey look like me and you,
When the angels come outThey want to playThey like to read booksThey dance and they sway.
The angels are lovely and kind and sweet,They share their love of the people they meet,They make me feel young yet also wise,For they never have answers for questions they devise
For the angels are innocentThey don't belong here,On this cruel mean worldThat they often fear.
When the devils come out You'll want to be goingThey like to destroyThey keep anger flowing.
The devils i've seen are just as pure,In the way that they see this lifeTheir evil and sadism is simply a mirrorOf the things they've learned from strife.
The devils are horrid and ugly and sour,They share their hatred of all in power,They make me feel old yet also naiveFor they never find questionsfor answers they believe.
The gremlins, I think, Are the worst of them allFor they want to make mischiefThey walk and they crawl.
The gremlins are sneakyBut they mean you no harmTheir aim is to reach inAnd trip your alarm.
The gremlins are here more often than notThey live to wreak havoc with nary a thought.They make me feel tired yet also in chargeFor they never have eyesfor the trouble at large.
All these creatures I love,This whole crowded mob,For I am their mother,And that is my job!
