"He will never be 'normal'. We can only hope to find a treatment that will curb his behaviors enough for him to live a productive life with as few episodes as possible."
Four days later those words still resound in my head. An ominous threat to everything I love and hold dear.
My ten year old son has bi-polar. Post traumatic stress, ADHD, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Aside from the bi-polar and ODD I have known this since several months before his adoption was final. It's always been a struggle to find things to entertain him, or keep his attention for longer than a few minutes. There have been months at atime where he would be given a combination of medicines and treatments that would work for him. For the most part he led a fairly 'normal' childhood.
I think he was about 8 when he started exhibiting more severe behaviors. And over the past year and a half he has escalated.
He was the favorite of the teachers until last year. His attention for detail and compulsion to make sure everything was in its place and done right was something that the teachers respected and enjoyed. He was a big helper.
But when his behaviors became more defiant, he began having manic episodes, and started to behave as if he knew more than everyone else,...well it became a problem. His grades ussually all A's started slipping. Kids no longer wanted to play with him, and he felt ostracized.
He struggles with anger management and seems to just flip on a dime when things aren't going the way he thinks they should. As a result he has had many behaviors that have endangered himself and others. Three hospitalizations have done little to bring about any significant change.
Although his current doctor really seems to be trying to find a combination that will bring him the most benefit. He IS doing better lately and has a very good week over all. I can honestly say I see him trying, and I am proud of him.
Tuesday though, when the doctor gave me the prognosis, I was numb. What does he mean? He will never get better? The otlook is bleak at best? Not for MY son!!!
I set my mind that we will have to deal with everything day by day. Hour by hour. That I will have to continue to encourage him and praise him when he is doing his best.
Sure, as a mother those are not things I want to hear! I want the magic pill!!! I want him to have the normalcy that I imagine would make him feel better, that woul dgive him better self image, and higher self worth. I don't want him to feel like he is always "failing."
"He isn't a bad boy. He has a good heart."
Those are the doctors words I try to cling to. The words I know to be true. The words I will hold in my own heart.
parents go through these sort of issues all over the world. Sad for their children who have disorders that affect not only the children but the entire family. I know that I am not the only one dealing with the many emotions pulsing through my mind.
I supposse we all have to choose whether to see the negative, expect the worst, worry about how it will all turn out- or hope for the best, take it day by day, and have faith.
I choose faith. And while love will not make everything ok, and certainly makes it hard when he is having a bad day and hurting everyone around him, I am hopeful that he will always feel my love, and that in some way it will help him make it through the hard times. The doctor may be right, he may never be 100% "normal" or the worlds definition of that, but he will always be my son,...my little boy, and I will never give up!
Little Boy Lost
I look in your eyes to see what I’ll see
But find just a muted reflection of me
You’re so broken, so alone
And I’m helpless to do anything to make it better for you
Torn from your mother’s arms at such a young age
Moments of time stolen from life’s page
It changed who you are, who you’ll be
My heart yearns for something more for you
Cut off and isolated, you pull away
Shutting everyone out just to get through the day
Trying to break through the walls you’ve built
I’m powerless against your obstinacy
Longing for love but unable to give it
Lacking the skills you appear to just quit
Don’t know how to make you see
That my heart is yours unconditionally
Nine years old and shattered by life
Travelling through pain, anger, hurt, strife
Will anyone break through and earn the chance to know the real you?
Or will everyone worth anything be cast out?
Hidden behind your façade of securities and strengths
Running in circles avoiding emotion at great lengths
Stop for a moment, I want to plead
And see that the world isn’t as bad as it seems
My heart’s in your hands, given full and free
But more often than not you give it back to me
I try to hide my pain, the hurt I feel with you, for you
Some days that pain turns to an angry ache I can’t appease
How do you replace a light extinguished so young?
Put a melody back into the songs unsung?
I give so much- ask so little
But in the end your hollowness hampers your ability to reciprocate
Your angry words cut clean and deep
Your detached responses often cause me to weap
I refuse to give up, give in, or walk away
It’s impossible for me to turn my love off like that
You can push and run, duck and hide
But I’ll still pray some day there will be a change in the tide
You might think you’re better off alone, unable to be hurt again
But love is never ending, never failing, and it’s patient
So do your worst to hurt the ones who love you
We know that in the end the one you really hurt is you
I won’t walk away, leave you, forsake you, abandon you
My heart is in your hands, my love won’t fade
Your fear may cause you to miss the wonderful things life offers
Help you paint yourself into a box that no one can open
But I’ll be waiting here when you decide to let yourself out
Arms outstretched, hoping to discover the light in your eyes has reappeared
