Equilibrium

In seventh grade, in mid October, our school (Lakeview) had a flag football game in a muddy corn field. A farmer not only let us use his field, but we got the fire department to come out and completely drown the field. Sound disgusting? Uh NO! It was awesome. Forty or so of us taking turns trudging through mud that was probably about a foot deep. Dressed in clothes that we knew would get ruined. Falling, tackling, laughing, FREEZING. Then cimbing back on the bus- hair caked in mud clumps, faces smeared with brown goo and whatever else was in the field-huge white smiles on our faces. We had a blast.

The next day was a Saturday- thank goodness, because we were so sore and exhausted from the game. Who knew that trying to run through mud could make you discover muscles you never knew you had? Not a seventh grader for sure. My friends and I laid around the entire weekend. Every turn of my body hurt. Each step caused me to wince. I knew that we were having difficulty getting through the mud, but I just never thought it would affect my body the way it had.

I think sometimes life is similar. Of course, it isn't always as enjoyable as the muddy football, but sometimes the results are the same.

There you are, moving through life events-sometimes they seem fun, sometimes tedious, sometimes just excruciating. But you trudge through. Every now and then (just like in the football game) you lose a shoe in the mud, have to stop and dig it out then try to cram it back on your foot- cold mud oozing between your toes.. Sometimes you feel a big clump of mud work its way into the back of your pants and you know it will be a disgusting mess to clean up.

It's not until it's over, until you've had a chance to rest that you realize just how crazy the event was. Just how much you did, how much it affected your body- your mind, or how much you put yourself through/ went through.

I recently realized that I was in that post-mud phase. Sitting back avoiding sudden movements that might cause me significant discomfort, trying to recouperate from events that I hadn't even realized had affected me like they had. I had been fully aware that some of them were chaotic, and had reaked havoc on life at that moment...but the complete picture hadn't been made clear to me.

So in that post-mud phase the realization hit me, and I stopped spinning in proverbial circles. A little dizzy, very sore, and feeling a little woozy I could clearly see and feel all that I had come through. All that God had brought me through. I was a little amazed at myself but even more amazed and thankful for God's grace.

It took some time for the affects of the phase to dissipate, but once they did I found myself in a place that felt amazing to me. Not only did I clearly see all I'd been brought through, but I saw positives where once I had struggled to see them. I felt them too.

Out of the mire, and through the side effects of it, entering into a new phase. Looking at the past with new vision, seeing my triumphs as well as my slip-ups. Feeling rejuvenated, empowered and ready to face tomorrow and the day after and the day after that.

I'm sure there will be other mud football moments. Other post- mud phases, but this is the first time in my life that I've seen it all so clearly, and it's been amazing to finally feel like I've gotten my equilibrium back and be excited about moving forward.

I was listening to the radio the other day and someone said that some of life's crazy events happen to us to not only show us that we can make it through, but to allow us to become even better people, and to see that God is ALWAYS there. That He is sufficient, and has it under control even when it doesn't seem that way.

I can say that is true. And now, through the post mud phase of the moment, I can clearly see that He not only got me through, but as bad as I thought it was at moments, I never truly experienced how major the moments were because He was there.

Standing steady and rejuvenated I'm proud of myself. I stumbled, and sometimes fell down but I never let go of my faith or hope. In the past I might have let it all overwhelm me. But apparently as I grow older I actually DO learn =)

And though all of life's questions aren't magically answered, and some of life's uncertainties still remain uncertain-I have overcome and continue to grow into an even stronger woman. The prospect of that feels incredible.

A Little Every Day

As I lay in my bed -unable to drift off just yet- I am listening to my beautiful baby girl, who after an exhausting day, passed out at elevenish only to awaken just twenty minutes ago at 2am.

Her sweet babbling curls my lips into a smile before I even realize it, and I feel amazingly warm and full of an inexplicable emotion. A good emotion. A comforting emotion.

Through the monitor I can hear her. Talking just to talk? Imagining? Playing? "Mommy- Bobby- I do (something or other)- - one, two, three, five- inaudible words followed by happy giggles."

Is she thinking about her day at the Chucksters? Her adventures with the large gray mouse? Her visit with Alex ? Has she already forgotten the day and is just sitting happily in her crib?
She is rarely unhappy.Smiling, laughing, and so inquisitive. When I say that she is probably the happiest baby I have ever seen? Well I'm not just being a bragging Mommy, though I would for sure. She is just soooo happy. It's refreshing and makes me smile from somewhere deep within.
Her everyday joy and innocence and the way she views the world make me stop and try to view things her way.

Ofcourse. It's true, she is a child who hasn't experienced life in the same way I have in the thirty SOME years I've been around. But I truly believe that one of the many gifts she brings to my life is to remind me of all the hidden joys. The simple pleasures. The past couple months have been, for lack of a better adjective, "Intense".

Seems like every time things might be calming down, or coming together something hits, and ussually pretty hard. And ofcourse, every time I get to a place where I begin to feel stronger in my faith, or my mind, something happens to try to shake that.

I supposse that's part of life. Being tested. Being allowed the opportunity to continue to have faith.

There have been a few moments when I felt like I had neared the capacity of what my mind or body could handle. And, in honesty I don't believe I have passed every test.

However, I feel like I'm being given opportunities to grow, become a better person, to lean not on my own understandings and- lately- to search for the joys even when there are things in life that are just crummy.

It's hard some days. I worry about my children. Want to be the best Mom I can be. And sometimes it's very easy to let sadness or grief over events cause me to forget the good stuff. I have had moments of despair, and times when I have had to have someone else remind me of the positives. And i don't think it's an all together bad thing. I AM human. It has made me so much more thankful for people in my life who help me to see those things. Who encourage me. Who pray for my family.

I'm blessed with children who show me everyday that they are resilliant, and amazing. With friends who remind me of the good, and offer support. I am blessed with a life that even in the bad times is quite amazing.

I am thankful. So thankful. For everything. Regardless of imperfections, or things out of my control. For the stuff that makes me sad or breaks my heart. For the things that bring me joy and put a smile on my face. For all of it. Because ALL of it is part of who I am, and how I handle it will ultimately define who I become.

I might not always get it right. But I refuse to give up. The smiles and laughter of my children just drive that desire home even more.