His Laughter stole my breath

Sometimes laughter is like medicine for the heart. So how does it feel to never truly laugh?

For most parents hearing their child laugh brings smile or even induces their own laughter. As a Mom I love hearing my kids laugh, especially if it's not because they're being mean or laughing at each other, which does happen.

I love the belly laughs the most. When the baby just laughs and laughs, it tickles me. When my 10 year old daughter laughs until she's crying I nealry cry with her.

When my 18 year old and I start laughing we have a similar cackle laugh that replaces the ussual belly laugh. The cackle turns into a snort, and then we've ussually lost it for at least five minutes.

That said, one of my children has had a lot going on in his life. Before his adoption he had a rough life, and as a result he truly struggles with some of the day to day things. As a result he's been gone from home for a few months trying to work on how to be better able to handle the social side of life and family.

Recently he came home for a visit. I was apprehensive at first but he did amazing! That was such a pleasant suprise, but there was something even better.

He laughed. Not a small laugh, or a chortle. He wasn't laughing at the cost of someone else. he wasn't taking pleasure in someone else's misery. He wasn't laughing because he had managed to hurt someone, or get away with something devious.

He was laughing because he was playing and enjoying himself. I was upstairs as he was playing with his siblings and when I heard it I immediately stopped what I was doing and listened for it again.

And there it was! My breath caught in my throat and I'm pretty sure I almost cried.

If you've never had a child who struggles socially, and who has some pretty major behavioral disorders it might be hard to understand the hugeness of this.

But after struggling for a couple years to manage his behaviors and then finally deciding he needed more professional help than I could offer I was forced to come to many realizations.

One of the biggest ones was that he never seemed happy. Rarely smiled, and when he did it was because someone was hurt or in trouble. And I often asked myself what he must feel like inside to never laugh or feel a reason to laugh. But during his visit,.....he truly truly laughed. Filled the room with his beautiful laugh that I hadn't heard for a couple years.

And in that moment, I felt my heart grow so incredibly warm. An acceptance washed over me that perhaps, just perhaps I DID do the right thing by getting him help. That maybe, just maybe my guilt over not being able to have him home right now was more than it should be,...because he is getting the help he needs. My proof?? My assurance??

He laughed. He really, truly, laughed.

Get REAL

They lie!! Yep they do! Sorry if that's an unwanted revelation, but it has to be said! Those women who are mothers and act like they have it all together? Total Lies! I do not care who they are or how they "appear" it's all a facade. Each of us is just in front of the verge of insanity! It's true. I'm proof positive!

That's not a simple thing to admit and yet it feels sooooo good to say.

We are mothers, lovers, doctors, nurses, chefs, students, teachers, friends, psychologists, maids, etc and we do it all with an air of 'ease'. Wanna know a secret though? It's a facade. We are great at those,... 'pretending' to be awesome, when in reality we are questioning ourselves the entire way.

Under control? Not even close! We are hanging by a thread- learning as we go- making mistakes and trying to learn from them. Seriously.

It's more difficult to act like we have it all together. But if we don't then what will people say?

Guess what! Who freakin' cares!?

Perfection is a mirage. Mistakes are not only inevitable, but mandatory!!

How else would we learn, grow, "BECOME".

Sometimes I forget to make my kids bathe. Sometimes our dinners aren't gourmet. Heck we eat out at LEAST once a week. Sometimes I forget to shower myself!! I misplace letters from school. I don't always clean a sippy cup perfectly (which btw is disgusting).I don't always have a spotless house. Sometimes I wear the same pair of jeans 2 or 3 times before I wash them just to avoid adding to the laundry pile. (well that and they feel better after being worn a couple times- whatever, you do it too!). Heck! Sometimes I have the kids wear the same pair of jeans more than once!!! I don't always hear what my kids say to me, even though I am nodding and smiling. My homework isn't always turned in on time. I misspell words and sometimes when I'm online aka facebook I hit the wrong comment button and comment on a totally unrelated post. My maekup isn't always even. My outfits definately don't look like they belong on the runway. Puhlease! in fact I love my sweats and t-shirts from 3 years ago. My kids hair isn't always perfect. The beds in the house aren't always made. Sometimes if you look at my living room carpet you might even see popcorn kernels from family movie night! I go into a room and forget what I was going there for. I laugh, then cry within minutes, then laugh again.

Yep! That's right,....it's a little bit of chaos almost everyday! And? What? You don't have imperfections?

Guess what people?! We all do.

So today- heck maybe for the rest of the week- stop being so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Remind yourself that the hot chick with the two gorgeous kids in the grocery store, you know the one- she looks perfect and her kids are listening and they are dressed perfectly with evey hair in place- yeah that one, remind yourself that even she has something imperfect. That she is just really good at 'looking' like she has it all together.

Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Enjoy your life, and your kids, and your home, and your friends. Because NOTHING is perfect. No one is without issues or possible insanities!!

I know I will. Even though it took being knocked down, dragged around, scratched, and bruised by life and my own expectations for myself,....even though I had to look in a mirror and say "Guess what woman,...sometimes you suck. Sometimes you do not have it all together." Even though I had to have friends 'rescue' me from myself. Even though I have to be real and honest with myself,...or maybe because I am,...well I'm going to give myself a break today and for the rest of the week.

I'll try to remember to let you know how that goes .

;)