DONT'S for Kids: A Mom's Guide To Keeping You Out Of Trouble

DONT'S for Kids: A Mom's Guide To Keeping You Out Of Trouble

These are not all my own but I saw them on another blog and had to add some and post,....too funny!!!

1. DON’T wake your mom up by tapping on her head and saying any of the following: I puked on your floor, I peed in my bed, I found a snake, or I think the car is gone.

2. DON’T decide to “help out” by mopping the floor, bathing the baby or running the dishwasher. Water is fun for you but Mommy pretty much hates it.

3. DON’T attempt to use any of the following household appliances: the phone (even if it is to call the police on your brother), the microwave (I know it’s “easy” because you only have to press one button, but since you can’t read pressing p-o-t-a-t-o instead of p-o-p-c-o-r-n can lead to catastrophic results), the garage door opener (just because you have no business even being in the garage), the washing machine (see above tip regarding water usage), the dryer (because the heat settings DO make a difference), and the iron (don’t worry, you’ll never see this one laying around our house anyway).

4. DON’T use any of the words your mommy uses while she’s driving. That means idiot, jerk face, and stupid are all off limits.

5. DON’T heckle other drivers. Mommy’s got that covered.

6. DON’T store things in the toilet. Your effort to put things away is greatly appreciated, but please refer again to #2 above to fully understand our stance on water based activities.

7. DON’T throw food while at the table. This is particularly important if that table is located in the middle of a restaurant (which is unlikely because no one ever wants to take you anywhere ever, but still).

8. DON’T disrobe without receiving permission in advance (and “in advance” does NOT mean while Mommy is distracted with talking to your teacher at the supermarket).

9. DON’T disrobe in public regardless of advanced permissions you may or may not have received.

10. DON’T ask to accompany Mommy to Starbucks (because that’s her leisure time), the bathroom (because that’s private), or Wal-Mart (because that’s just crazy).

11. DON’T put your shoes on the counter (even if they’re “clean”).

12. DON’T fight dirty with your brothers. Fighting dirty would include any of the following maneuvers: eye gauges, nostril pulling, butt hole assaults, attempted ear drum rupturing, and hitting in the “nuts”.

13. DON’T use the word nuts.

14. DON’T poop your pants at school and then lie when asked about it. Seriously, Dude, people could smell it out in the hallway, it’s time to fess up.

15. DON’T scream for Mommy when she gets ready to go out for her one girl’s night of the quarter. When she’s home you don’t want her so give it a rest. Besides, you should know that once you can rely on your own feet for transportation the affect of your tears has pretty much worn off entirely.

16. DON’T get up before (Mommy has her coffee) the sun.

17. DON'T bring things from outside- indoors. This includes bugs (they belong outside and trust me are much happier out there than under my shoe), Mud pies (I let you make them but won't be eating them), and dandelions (these are not flowers they are weeds, they stink and they have bugs)

18. DON’T grow up. Based on (your father) other men, growing up is a losing situation for Mommy. Gone will be all of your sweet innocence, your pudgy cheeks, and your unconditional love, but you keep all of the pickiness, the stubbornness, and the inflexibility; traits that move from being tolerable to downright annoying.