It's my Birthday- I'll cry if I want to

I had every intention of writing some fabulous wit filled blog commemorating the many years I’ve been blessed with on this earth but that will have to wait for another day. My heart is a little heavy this morning with new information regarding my youngest son.
After years of not understanding his behaviors and having no idea what could be causing his many difficulties I finally have answers. For that I am grateful. I thought I had prepared myself for any diagnosis and prognosis I might get. After all, knowing would be better than fumbling around in the dark trying to deal with an invisible monster, right? So why do I feel so heart sick?
Organic encephalopathy. Fetal Alcohol syndrome. Irreparable brain damage. These are the names of the monster that are wreaking havoc on his life, on all our lives. There are no fixes, no cures, no magic medicines or answers for this.

I’ve been struggling to remain positive. Look on the Brightside of things. Accept and create a plan of action. But my positivity is more words than feelings today.

I turned 36 today and I find myself hoping and praying that when he reaches this birthday he will be able to look back and see a life of adventures, milestones, and amazing moments. I hope his will be a story of perseverance and overcoming obstacles, and that he will see all the people who love him so very much and are there for him no matter what.

God STILL has a plan for him regardless of any diagnosis! He was placed in my life, meant to be with me, and I am providing him the love, care, and medical attention he might not have gotten otherwise! Something amazing and far beyond my understanding CAN come of this! I do believe those things, and maybe if I repeat them enough I won’t feel quite so sad.

Daily Hustle

This morning wasn’t much different as far as mornings go. Insignificant, but busy would sum it up perfectly. After hitting my snooze button three times I dragged my body out of bed woke up Jeremy, Jalynn and Gabi and urged them to get their bottoms in gear so they wouldn’t miss the bus.

I literally felt like I was wading through a fog just to make it from bedroom to bedroom and then to the kitchen to grab a cold glass of water. The girl’s bus always comes about 12 minutes before Jeremy’s so they have to be ready sooner. Jeremy of course knows this but insists on trying to brush his teeth first, use the bathroom first, and basically do anything that will put him in their way. I think it may just be a pre-requisite for being the ‘big brother’.

I’m used to this morning routine. Brother antagonizes sister, sister screams for Mom, Mom has to remind brother again to worry about him and leave sister alone. Brother goes to living room to get shoes and socks on, sister goes to living room and sits on the sofa cushion next to him but before her bottom can land brother scoots to the middle declaring “There is no room,” then tattles when the smooth move causes sister to sit on him.

Oy vey! Coffee. Lots of it!

This specific morning I will admit I was glad when the last kidlet closed the front door and headed down the drive to wait for the bus. Maybe that’s awful, but not being a morning person there are just some mornings that all that picking, bickering and complaining overstimulates my foggy existence.

After the door shut I threw on pants and a hoodie, woke up the baby, who was smiling as usual, dressed her, fed her and got her packed into the car for daycare. The roads weren’t awful this morning but thanks to my AMAZING car with some mysterious alignment issue I was slipping all over the roads. My grip on the steering wheel was so tight that my knuckles were completely white. I don’t think I have ever been so glad to make the 15 minute drive from daycare and pull into my garage.

When I walked in the house I realized that today was trash day and I had forgotten to have the kids take the trash out the night before. Yay. So I loaded up the can with the trash bags, and pulled them down the drive. When I got back in the house I glanced at the sink full of dishes and the laundry room door that I had closed so I wouldn’t see the mound of dirty clothes. Whatever. I poured some more coffee sat down and forced myself to find the humor in the kidlets morning grumbly routine, the slippery drive and the coffee that I was now sipping from one of the kids plastic Disney character cups because I had been too lazy to grab a coffee cup. It worked. My mood turned from over stimulated to goofy which was just what I needed to motivate me to shower, clean the kitchen, unload and load the washing machine and dryer 4 times, straightened the house and do a little homework from one of my Sociology classes.

Then the phone rang and it was my youngest little man calling. That conversation was a little disheartening because he isn’t doing as well as I had hoped he would by now. (but that’s a subject for a different blog) Before I realized it, the clock said noon. I was hungry. So I whipped up a yummy breakfast burrito turned the TV on and indulged in a FULL episode of Law and Order SVU. This does not usually happen during the day. I’m not sure whether it’s lack of attention or the fact that I can always think of something that needs to be done but the television doesn’t usually come on during the day if there aren’t children at home. But today I think my brain needed some time to just do nothing and escape into the world of others where crimes were being solved.

After finishing another load of laundry I decided to take a short nap. I figured it would help me be better prepared for the kidlets coming home and any possibly continuation of the antagonizing and bickering. Naps are generally a bad idea. Some people can take on and feel invigorated. I seem to take them and wake up a little grumpy. Luckily grumpy April only stuck around for the length of time it took me to get half way to the daycare to pick up the baby. I arrived home with the baby about five minutes before the kids got home on the bus, threw some chicken in the microwave to thaw, gave her a quick snack and sippy cup then started trying to help them with their homework.

Then it was time to start dinner. Lemon Pepper chicken, baked potatoes and corn. And I must say it turned out yummy. The Man even commented that he thought it might be the best homemade chicken he had ever had. WIN! That made my evening. Why? I have no idea, but it was nice to feel like the dinner was appreciated. After dinner was clean-up time and get kids into pj’s etc.

I think we all finally settled into the living room around 7:40pm. The kids grabbed their handheld game systems and found a spot to get comfy, and I curled up next to The Man on the couch and we watched the previous night’s episode of Heroes. I don’t know what it is about just lying there against his shoulder and feeling his fingers occasionally brush through my hair while we enjoy a show together, but I love it. Afterwards, I put the kids to bed and The Man and I watched Castle. Then I got online to poke around facebook for a bit while he started playing his favorite computer game. All was quiet for about an hour and then I heard a child calling. Upon answering the call I discovered an aromatic surprise-vomit all over the floor. Gabi had thrown up BEFORE she’d made it out of the bed. I do NOT handle vomit well. The clean-up nearly made me sick myself, and I kept repeating ‘it’s just food’-‘it’s just food’.

An hour and a half, and two more vomiting episodes later and here I sit unwilling to go to bed for fear she will be sick again and I will be passed out. I actually found myself thinking “Man, I didn’t do ANYTHING today.” Then of course the other voice in my head is like “what? Shut-up.”

Ha. It’s odd to me that my day can be so full of things and I can still feel like I’ve done nothing. I think though that it’s more of an issue of feeling like most of what I did was responsibility based, and didn’t have much to do with doing something for me, for enjoyment. So,…. I’m hoping to make some time for myself in the near future. It might be difficult for me to stop my compulsion to clean, or DO something that I think NEEDS to be done as far as my motherly duties, but I think today was a neon sign telling me to make some ME time.

And my final thought for the night before I finish this blog? What was I thinking when I said just the other day that it might be fun to get a puppy? Seriously. *shaking head*

Really? So more carbs?

I decided to weigh myself today. It's been a minute and I was curious what the scales would tell me. I've been feeling a little bony lately and noticed in the mirror the other day that my face looked a little gaunt. HA! Who knew that I would have to worry about LOSING too much weight?

So anyway, I weighed myself and was suprised to read 114 pounds. Holy wowness! How does that happen? I probably sound weird to some for having thoughts either way about this weight, but for me it is possibly too thin.

Before I lost all my weight I would NEVER have imagined being this weight. Heck my goal was 140 pounds. But I passed that a long time ago.

Now I find myself trying to figure out what I can eat/ do to put on a few pounds. Not that 114 is bad per say, but it is lower than I expected. And I think fo rme, I look a little better with a few extra pounds on me.

Ofcourse my mind is telling me NO WAY! But the rest of me is clamoring to eat more. And so I will.

Watch out kitchen,...because here I come!! hehe

Shrimp/ Crab Fondue. Wowza!!

The Creamy flavors of cheese fondue infused with seafood? There aren't words. Well there might be but my brain is currently on overload from stuffing myself.

Lobster Fondue is one of my favorite things to order at Red Lobster. It's just too much yummy goodness to put into words, and since one of my 2010 goals was to be more adventurous in the kitchen, I decided to take a stab at making the molten heaven myself.

I didn't use Lobster meat as I found shrimp and crab on sale, but it was still worth the effort. I have to admit that it was a little more "Velveeta" tasting than I would have preferred (have to work on finding something else to add quantity and thickness so I don't need as much) and I am NOT a huge velveeta fan,...but it was GOOD. So good in fact that two of us went through an entire loaf of French Bread with it. Yes, we ended up stuffed and barely able to move from the make-shift picnic on the living room floor, but it was well worth it!

So, I decided to share the recipe and photos. If you make it let me know what you think. And of course if you come up with another cheese to aid in the delicious-ness let me know. (I'm thinking swiss cheese finely grated would add a nice flavor- or a small amount of cream cheese, or even some cream of shrimp soup as well. Hmm have to try those next time)

Ingredients-

16 oz Velveeta cheese

3/4 C Milk

1/2 tsp Cayenne Pepper

1/2 tsp Paprika

1/2 to 3/4 C finely chopped sweet red pepper (bell pepper)

1 C. Shrimp chopped (or baby shrimp)

1/2 to 1 C. Crab meat chopped OR Lobster Meat

2 tbsp fresh parsley chopped

1 Small bread bowl

1 Loaf French Bread

(optional- for brushing bread) Olive oil- Garlic powder and salt

Directions-

Cube your cheese so that it's easier to melt. Chop your seafood into the size of bites you would prefer in your fondue. With the Red Pepper the smaller the dice the less likely you are to get a bite with JUST red pepper in it. Of course if that's your thing, Go for it! ;-)

Cut a center hole in the bread bowl- careful to leave enough on the bottom to hold the fondue. You can chop what you remove and use this to dip in the cheese. Slice the French Bread into bite size chunks. Place all onto a cookie sheet. Brush with a mixture of Olive oil, garlic powder and salt.

Place in oven and cook til slightly golden brown.

Combine Milk and Cheese in a saucepan and cook over medium low heat until cheese starts melting. Add Cayenne, Paprika, Shrimp, Lobster (if using it) and Red Peppers. If using Crab add later or it will break into small pieces.

Once Cheese is completely melted and creamy add Crab. Turn setting to low. You may let it meld together for five minutes or so or serve immediately.

Pour Fondue into bread bowl. Garnish with Parsley. You can put Bread bowl on a platter and surround it with the extra bread chunks. Enjoy!!