Poop. Butts. Yummy boogers, and all things aromatic and slimy. Yes, these are the topics of my blog today? Why you ask? I’m the mother of a toddler. Nuff said?
I got a tingle in the back of my throat just mentioning aromatic slime. Perhaps that’s because I have an aversion to all that includes bodily secretions. Whatever the raison d'être I feel a warning is needed at this point. So don’t say I didn’t. Mmmk?
WARNING- While this post might possibly make you grin, quietly giggle, or even belly laugh, it could also induce moments where your body feels the need to shudder, convulse, or where you get that moment of pure fear as your stomach lurches. If you begin to acquire a weird taste in your mouth, or at any point you might feel food inching its way up the back of your throat – step away from your computer and take a moment as to not ruin your keyboard or pc screen. That’s all.
Let’s begin.
My toddler has begun the wonderful explorations of all that is gross. Some of which I’m sure is encouraged by her older siblings, and of course her Daddy. Firstly, there is the whole discovery of snot, boogers, spit, etc. Basically anything that might come from her facial orifices. She has always enjoyed picking her nose. I have photos of her doing it since before she could walk. But now it seems she enjoys it tenfold, and has made the revelation that it gross’s Momma and others completely out. Being the amazingly intelligent and devious little thing that she is this entertains her and gives her great cause for joy.
Case in point. The Man and I were driving and happened to have my 18 yr old daughter in the backseat with us. Apparently the beautiful gremlin was still able to terrorize from her car seat simply by picking out a rather large, crunchy booger and then putting it in her mouth.
18yo- “Ewww, spit it out! Spit it out!”
Toddler- Giggles and head shaking.
Me- “What’s wrong?”
18yo- “She put a booger in her mouth and it’s stuck on her tooth!”
The Man- “Ohhh, Does it taste like green beans?”
18 yo- “Stop. Gross.” Gag.
Toddler- “Mmmm. Das Goood.”
The Man- “what do your boogers taste like?”
Toddler- “Taste like Booguz!” Then more giggling and pretend spitting in the 18 yo’s direction.
2nd Case in point- The toddler sitting in the corner with her runny nose. When I told her to hold still and I’d get her a tissue she proceeded to use her hand and fingers to scoop every last bit of snot from her face and then put it INTO her mouth. Then smile like she’d just eaten the most delicious piece of cheesecake. Tummy lurch, gag, gulp time for Momma.
Ok enough of the snot; I can’t continue on with that one, I’ve got cold chills. Bleck!! Let’s move onto a much easier one.
Butts. Have you ever noticed how kids can add the word Butts to almost anything and think that it’s the most hilarious thing? Chicken butt. Lazy butt. Silly butt. Ugly butt. Crazy butt. Butt sniffer. Butt licker….. Wha? No? Ok maybe it’s just my weird family that finds it amusing. Due to this bootay obsession, my toddler has begun to enjoy anything that has to do with butt humor.
She announces to everyone when she has passed gas by stating quite loudly. “I fawted!” And beware if you let out even the smallest of one around her because she WILL let anyone and everyone around you know in a not so quiet voice, “Mommy fawted! You fawted mommy. “ That’s the most fun in the grocery store, or the bank!
And the weirdest of her toddler ideas about butt’s? I’ll preface this one by saying I have no idea where she got this one from, we are not all quite THIS odd.
The Man and I were outside chatting on the deck. He happened to be leaning on a railing when the bootay gremlin came out. Her pull-up must have been riding up because she pulled it down. We both told her that we could see her crack, and she needed to pull them back up. After a few giggles and a flash of the top half of her very white moon she complied. Then for some odd reason she grabbed at the waist of The Man’s shorts and tried to pull them down. She managed just a peak of his equally white crack before he got a good yank and got them up.
The Man- “What are you doing?”
Toddler- “Where’s u milk?”
The Man- “Huh?”
Toddler- “Where’s u milk fwom youw butt?”
Me- “Stop that. Bottoms don’t have milk.”
The Man- “Umm ok that was just weird baby. Even for you. “
Toddler giggles then turns, squats and pretends to make a fart noise and then says,…. “Here go! Hagabooger. (aka hamburger)
Why she thinks milk or hamburgers come from your bootay? No idea. But the look on The Man’s face when she actually did something even he (the king of odd and silly tom foolery) thought was weird? Hil-freakin-larious!
Ok if you made it this far good for you! And I can hear you all (well the one person probably reading this) chanting. BRING ON THE POOP! BRING ON THE POOP! Your wish is my command.
Firstly, potty training has brought on many weird behaviors in my little one. The most annoying but least offensive of which is stripping down- sometimes just to her pull-up but often completely nekkid. Yep, she’s turned into a streaker- and that has many meanings currently in this house. (I’ll explain that one shortly.) Many a friend and family member have been the lucky recipients of walking in the house and seeing a bare bootied baby running through the house. Yep, that is my little princess y’all!
She has also become fascinated with her poop! Yay for me, and everyone else in the house, right? Awww, come on don’t be jealous. You know you want a poop obsessed toddler! For the low cost of babysitting you can have one for a couple hours. Just give me a shout and you too can experience the delights!
I’ll start easy and get to the brown stuff, I mean err good stuff!
Firstly- “The Birth of the Poop Turtle.” Upon arriving home from the honeymoon our little princess was thrilled to let us know she had pooped in the potty. (A task we had been struggling with her to achieve.) We had been forewarned by my sister that she was receiving a chocolate chip for her diligent work. We were prepared with a bag of Hershey semi sweet morsels. What we were not prepared for?
The big moment came and she sat on her potty chair. Much effort was made to earn that tiny morsel, let me tell you. Red face, scrunched nose, a few grunts, then success. She looks up at me with a drop of sweat on her brow and says, “AWETHOME! I made a poop turtle!”
A poop wha? I thought maybe she’d heard someone say turd. (a word which I really really hate.) But upon discussing it with my sister was told the real story. Apparently when she was potty training her children she told them to make a “poop fish”. So she tried the potty training mastery on my little one. “Make a poop fish!” How did my little, independent princess respond? “No. I make a poop turtle!” And thus the poop turtle was born. But hey for those who have potty trained. Whatever works! Bring on the poop turtles! As long as they're swimming in the toilet and not lying on my floor or in her hands. Curious? read on!
Secondly- Now that she is potty training the princess thinks that if she’s had an accident she should remove her pull-up and leave it lie wherever it lands, then continue on her streaking trend. This usually results in other forms of streaking, such as the streak still on her bum, or if we’re not careful and catch her in time, on a blanket that she might sit on following the strip down. The “streaks” are bad enough, but did you know that to a two year old a lump of poo resembles play dough?
Yeah me either, but apparently it does indeed. I must implore all parents to please educate your children about the use of poop. Chiefly: it is NOT play dough! Most kids will know this right off, but not my princess.
Last night, much to my un-pleasant surprise I got a hint of a poopy aroma in my house. At first I thought Starbucks (the cat) had done something completely indecent downstairs in his box. So I went down to inspect what horrors he might have laid. I would have gladly accepted the horrors because instead of finding anything significant in his box I found the princess standing in the back of the family room- nekkid, squishing brown goop aka poop between her fingers. Insert my gag reflex here as I realized what she was doing, and the smell assaulted my nostrils so severely that I’m pretty sure remnants of it linger even today.
I’d love to know how three of my kids were sitting just three feet away with their backs to her- watching tv, and playing video games- and did NOT notice the foulness of the air. Bleck and double bleck. Needless to say I couldn’t even brin g myself to touch her. A yelp peeled from my throat and The Man had to come down and rescue me by carrying her at arms length straight to the tub.
I honestly don’t remember so much yuckiness with any of my other 5 children. But I’m guessing maybe that’s just the Momma amnesia thing. You know the little gross things that kidlets do that we manage to block out so that we will continue to pro-create? Either way, the foul un-pleasantries have begun.
Go Team!
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